Mother's Day is coming, I am reflecting on my Moms passing

One year ago around Mother's Day my moms health changed. I saw her rapid decline just from being dehydrated. I guess that being diabetic didn't help either.

After visits with her Doc, I helped her start to eat better and make better choices. For a while she was doing better.  Her Doc said her blood sugar has never been better.  Great!

So off my mom went, daring to scoot around town without thought.  My mom loved to shop, and talk to people, anyone would suffice.  Her shopping excursions came at a cost, her diet!  She shopped, got tired, and didn't really keep up with eating enough, in my humble opinion.  He thinking was not the same after being dehydrated and now was getting worse. Her decisions and thought process was clouded, fuzzy, and just not rational at times.

I begged her to move in with us last May after being dehydrated and coming out of the rehab, but understandably she wanted to live in her own home.  Is that my fault I didn't make her?  I don't know.  I feel like I should have taken more control, but I didn't because I think people deserve to have dignity when getting old.  They lived for us, helped us and when they are old they just want to be left alone to do what they want.  That is what my mom wanted.

I started to mourn her then and there. Right or wrong, that is what was happening inside of me.

Since my dad died our relationship got better. I had more empathy, I was more loving,  I never rushed her while she shopped. Believe me if you knew my mom you knew I waited for hours. I am not the shopper she was. We could always tell how my mom was really doing whether she wanted to shop or not. That was the Litmus test.

Later in the year she started to go to ladies prayer with me, and for a while she went to church with my friend, then came to my church which also made our relationship stronger, cause the Lord was in the middle of it.

Sadly right before Thanksgiving she dropped scissors on the top of her foot. That may not have been so bad had she not been diabetic. Well it turned bad too fast.

I told her to clean it something you would not thought needed to be told, but we all told her. What she really did no one knows. She told me she rinsed it.  I told her she needed to clean it with soap and water or peroxide.  She told me she did that the next day...

Wed we took off to see Sean at law school. We stopped at Bushnell for her to see my dad's headstone. That is where I saw her boo boo. It was a speck, a dot, nothing anyone would ever think was bad.  Who knew?
We had a nice lunch with Sean. I will treasure that forever. My son always sang to his Grandmother and she ate it up!

This love bond melted my heart.

Back home we went about out stuff. My mom's foot started hurting her more and more. I told her to go to the Dr, she made two appointments then didn't  to either. That is where it all turned bad.  I hadn't been down there for 2 weeks, Joe was sick, whatever I was, my brother had been there so I never thought that speck could get so bad. I was wrong!   When I went after church, I was thinking how could that be?

The first picture, the first time in two weeks since going to Jacksonville. She made my brother put some cream on, I couldn't even was it off, her foot was so tender. I called her Dr office for something for pain.  I still had no idea how bad it could or would get. They said to get her in there asap.
I told her, it they want to put her in rehab again to get antibiotics in her she was going.  So it took a day to get a bed, then off she went.

You may not even believe  how bad it got even with antibiotics.

That was shocking! After a week in rehab, the sent her to the ER for tests. One of which she refused. More time, more Dr visits, more care needed. She came home with me and my life stopped. I learned wound care, I made sure she got all her meds, ate right, and tried to make her as comfy as possible.

She was the center, while I still had to home school Joe, answer the phone for dear hubby, take care of our ol dog, and our house.  Yes Christmas was upon us.

Christmas Eve I thought my FIL looked so good and my mom looked so weak,  My uncle her brother died the day after.
My FIL died Jan 31st, our dog two days later, then March came.

My mom was bad. She had been getting dizzy and sleeping lots, she didn't want to eat much and didn't want to take her meds any more. The wound need a  surgical debridement.

This is the next day when Home Care came. Looks good in a weird way. Not, the surgeon told me the infection was almost to the bone.  Should he have taken her foot? Again I don't know. He Doc said she would not have survived it.  Mom also didn't want to loose her foot.


Still got worse from there. They found a mass on her lung. Hello, this was much on the plate.
She spoke of dying more and more. Her blood sugar took a dive one day, I thought she had a stroke. I fed her watermelon for an hour till she was okay.

The last pic of her. That rubber is a drain, the surgeon took out her tendon that had been exposed while I was doing all that wound care.

When she could not make it to do further tests for lung because we could not regulate her sugar, and she was declining so fast her Doc called in Hospice at home, my heart sunk. What did this really mean?  My mom would surely die sooner than later? How could all this happen this way?

So with the help of Hospice 3 days I kept on the best I could. Have I mentioned I have had a bad back most of my adult life and when my son got a reclining couch we hauled it up to his 2nd floor apt?  So yes, my body was broken!

I got a hospital bed, that helped my back, I got a tray table for dinner, and a  bed pan. We got new meds. I had to learn how to give her insulin. I will not go into the messy details of how bad it got on that last day at home, but I was so thankful our friends Dee & Sue had been over to visit with her and they helped me beyond words. It was not enough though. The night came, just me and Jesus. Her blood sugar was way high, I called the nurse and she called the Hospice facility after she saw the wreck I had been changing sheets and cleaning my mom all day & night.  I could not do it another day. My limit had come. The nurse got here about 12:30 am and they took my mom at 3:30 after we cleaned her up and changed the bed for the last time.  When I went to bed my husband had not even know all I had been though and had done. My heart was racing, I couldn't sleep I was so wound up. I just cried.  That woke dear hubby, and he held me. I don't know when but I finally feel asleep.

The next afternoon was the beginning of the end.

All clean up, a new bed in a beautiful place, but not yet the beauty to behold that was coming.

My goofy lil guy making the most of it all. I am so grateful he had all this time with his Grandma.

Sean was finished with one class and had two more when I called him and told him Grandma was asking for him. He left without breath of hesitation. He got there that night and made her day!

Deana made it the next day with Angie (thankfully) Billy and his family and Ed were all there having good memories, and my mom said "don't ever stop these conversations." 

I was playing some worship music, but Sean the crooner said to put on a certain song and when I did she lit up.
I wish I had a pic of Ed with Ma, but I will always have Angie saying when she saw them looking into each others eyes it chocked her up, cause she could see how much they loved each other.  That was the truth! She was his mom for 25yrs, Ed's mom died when he was 24 ish.

My moms childhood friend Elinor came to visit, as you can see it was a tear jerking time for me. It was a short visit, but I am thankful.

My pastor and his wife came, my mother in law came. I let my cousins know, my last aunt, some of my moms friends. She was very loved.

There is Deana & Angie friends forever! The way it should be. Two beautiful women I am blessed to have in my life.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, no matter where your walk with Him is, while there is life there is hope.

When everyone left it was me and Ma, then Mon our friend Julie, our pastors wife came and sang to my mom in the spirit, it was sweet and healing. My mother in law also came up. The most influential women in my life. I was honored.
They left and I thought something changed in her breathing but my heart was pumped and racing so I went home for what seemed like only minutes when the best nurse called and told me it was time.  Me and Eddie rushed to get there and I got to tell my mom all the things that you want to tell the most important person in your life for your whole life. I felt like my mouth kept going on and on. Ed thought she passed but I knew she hadn't. I told him to get Shirley and she confirmed she was still with me, I continued to pour out my love and thankfulness to her for everything but my last and what I am most thankful for is here giving me Jesus. Again, it is well with my soul.

How many children get to usher their parents to heaven?  God saw fit to allow me to be blessed to be with my parents as they took their last breaths on Earth, before their eternal lives begin.

Thank you Father for my parents.
Mommy, I know you will have the best Mother's Day with your King.

I pray you are bold and have sweetness with your loved ones as you are lead by the Holy one to introduce them to the One who gave everything that they may live forever, and it would be well with your soul as it is mine, no matter how sad, joy comes.

Just Trying to Get By

Every time I think the grief is behind me, something comes up and slaps me in the face.

The bible says to everything there is a season, I want this season to pass and be healed!

Joseph has been a sweetie this past week and the Lord gets the glory!

Delighting in the Lord & counting it All joy-no matter how I feel!

Now that Dad is Gone

I feel like I have cement shoes on. I feel like everything is hard to do. Everything hurts!

Dad went to hospice Thursday the 18th. I ran over there as soon as hubby came home from work. I stayed till he fell asleep. Friday Sean was coming home from college so I was anxiously waiting for them to come home to go see Dad. Sean ended up coming with me. Lots of tears but we stayed again till he fell asleep.
Saturday morning me and Ed went to see Dad. He gave me kisses that day. Then we went to do some work all over town, then back to hospice. Wow as I write I can hardly remember the details. I know my parents friends went up and that was good for ma.

Sunday Jeff met me there, and my in laws came up too.
I was there till 2am. Dad didn't really sleep. He stayed awake for what seemed like forever. He just stared at me.

I spent all my visits singing worship songs, reading the bible, praying, and telling him how much I love him and all the things in my life I loved about him and how thankful I was that God made him my father. I tried to always have him see me with a smile.

Monday the 22nd felt like the longest day of my whole life! I did school with Joe which I hadn't in so long. Then I got the call from hospice, it was going to be soon. Then I panicked, not that he was going to die, I just didn't want him to die alone. Just my own thing, please don't over think it. My heart was racing as I didn't have anyway to get there, Billy was working and so was everybody that I needed. I called my Mom and told her what they had said and asked her if she wanted to be there and she said yes, I called Terri to get Billy there as soon as he got home. My MIL picked up Ma, and Jeff to the rescue picked me up and off we went.

I got there and was able to have alone time with Dad before Billy and ma got there. Then we waited. Most of the evening Billy was on one side and I was on the other. We spoke of how we loved him.
I continued to pray and sing to him. His eyes remained closed all those hours we were there.

The nurse came in and said it usually is about six hours from when they change their breathing. She said he is tough, holding on. I felt like he did that for Billy.
I did the math which gave me some comfort oddly. We all hated to see him suffer, and my Dad did suffer badly with a horrific bed wound that you can not imagine. I use the word horrific
because it was like a horror movie.

Julie came just in time, and I smiled the moment she got there. It was like some of the home births, getting there just in time. I was so grateful Ma didn't have to be there alone. God knows who needs to be there.

Then the end came. He opened his eyes and began panting. Me and Billy stood closer to him and just told him we loved him over and over. We told him to rest, and I tried to sing to bring him comfort. We held him and kissed him till he took his final breath, then he closed his eyes and went home to be with the Lord as the angles led him. I broke and cried out loud, and ma asked if he was gone? We said yes and then she cried. We prayed, we cried, we went home void of Dads presence but all of us filled with the only comfort of knowing he was present with the Lord.

I will love you forever Dad for all the reasons daughters love fathers.
I will always hear you singing Daddy's Little Girl and so glad you sang to me on my birthday and we danced as you sang Miss America to me. You always made me feel special & loved.