Monday, November 29, 2010

Now that Dad is Gone

I feel like I have cement shoes on. I feel like everything is hard to do. Everything hurts!

Dad went to hospice Thursday the 18th. I ran over there as soon as hubby came home from work. I stayed till he fell asleep. Friday Sean was coming home from college so I was anxiously waiting for them to come home to go see Dad. Sean ended up coming with me. Lots of tears but we stayed again till he fell asleep.
Saturday morning me and Ed went to see Dad. He gave me kisses that day. Then we went to do some work all over town, then back to hospice. Wow as I write I can hardly remember the details. I know my parents friends went up and that was good for ma.

Sunday Jeff met me there, and my in laws came up too.
I was there till 2am. Dad didn't really sleep. He stayed awake for what seemed like forever. He just stared at me.

I spent all my visits singing worship songs, reading the bible, praying, and telling him how much I love him and all the things in my life I loved about him and how thankful I was that God made him my father. I tried to always have him see me with a smile.

Monday the 22nd felt like the longest day of my whole life! I did school with Joe which I hadn't in so long. Then I got the call from hospice, it was going to be soon. Then I panicked, not that he was going to die, I just didn't want him to die alone. Just my own thing, please don't over think it. My heart was racing as I didn't have anyway to get there, Billy was working and so was everybody that I needed. I called my Mom and told her what they had said and asked her if she wanted to be there and she said yes, I called Terri to get Billy there as soon as he got home. My MIL picked up Ma, and Jeff to the rescue picked me up and off we went.

I got there and was able to have alone time with Dad before Billy and ma got there. Then we waited. Most of the evening Billy was on one side and I was on the other. We spoke of how we loved him.
I continued to pray and sing to him. His eyes remained closed all those hours we were there.

The nurse came in and said it usually is about six hours from when they change their breathing. She said he is tough, holding on. I felt like he did that for Billy.
I did the math which gave me some comfort oddly. We all hated to see him suffer, and my Dad did suffer badly with a horrific bed wound that you can not imagine. I use the word horrific
because it was like a horror movie.

Julie came just in time, and I smiled the moment she got there. It was like some of the home births, getting there just in time. I was so grateful Ma didn't have to be there alone. God knows who needs to be there.

Then the end came. He opened his eyes and began panting. Me and Billy stood closer to him and just told him we loved him over and over. We told him to rest, and I tried to sing to bring him comfort. We held him and kissed him till he took his final breath, then he closed his eyes and went home to be with the Lord as the angles led him. I broke and cried out loud, and ma asked if he was gone? We said yes and then she cried. We prayed, we cried, we went home void of Dads presence but all of us filled with the only comfort of knowing he was present with the Lord.

I will love you forever Dad for all the reasons daughters love fathers.
I will always hear you singing Daddy's Little Girl and so glad you sang to me on my birthday and we danced as you sang Miss America to me. You always made me feel special & loved.